Last week I was ready to take down this site. I felt that if I couldn't trust those closest to me, than how could I trust the world with the most personal journey of my life? My heart felt like it had been ripped from my chest and beaten with a baseball bat. Without getting into details let's just say that two people broke my heart in a way that took me some time to heal. I'm not certain my heart is fully there yet, but I'm on my way to recovery. They say that when you're trustworthy you don't look for how people will hurt you. In my case this has always been true. Someone once said to me after I'd been hurt, "Maybe from now on you'll realize that you shouldn't give of yourself so freely and that you should protect your heart. People can't always be trusted to care about you as much as you care about them."
I thought those words were the saddest I'd ever heard. I couldn't imagine spending my life so fearful of pain that I would keep a part of myself protected and sheltered. But overtime I've realized it's how many live. It's not the way I want to go through life.
My emotions were low the day I decided to take down the site. I continued to fight with my feelings that going after so much was breaking me down and that I didn't have the strength. More than that I was tired of this journey getting in the way of relationships. It always starts off that they love how I pursue life and they want to support me, but then they decide that I make everything a priority over them. Why can't I wait until they can do it with me, and why do I have to do this all now? The question always comes, "Where do I fit into all of this?"
I didn't know what to do. Friends reached out to me to try to help. Readers of this blog posted that they hoped I would keep going. And though the support eased the pain, I felt lost.
I became quiet and turned inward. I listened to my heart, took care of myself with good food and lots of sleep. I worked out allowing the endorphin rushes to break up the sadness. And then everything went calm. The trust I'd found on this journey returned. I realized it didn't matter what other people did or said this is my life, my dreams, and nothing will stand in my way. I have one life and I get to choose if I live with the attitude of magnificence, or if I hide because it might come with struggles and mean getting my heart broken. I will not compromise who I am or what I want for anyone, and no one who truly loves me should ever ask me to. I won't change the fact that I will trust in others. If they choose to steal my story, break my heart, or lie to me it doesn't matter. I have no control over others only my reactions. If I spend my life wondering why someone did what they did, it simply takes away the energy I need to achieve my dreams.
I've completed over sixty of my biggest dreams in life. I'm standing on the brink of having everything I've ever desired. I've worked harder than I knew I could, and though I don't know how everything is going to turn out, if I turn back instead of going forward, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
I've found a trust in something higher than myself, but what I've come to realize is that my trust in something higher is within me, not outside. Within me is the courage, strength and belief that this life is meant to be abundant, magnificent and one crazy wild ride. I have the power to go after everything I desire. Believe me, so do you.