I've been thinking quite a bit about one of my dreams. Much of my list is about running off to see fabulous places and learning to live in a decadent manner, but I believe my most important dreams have more to do with the person I wish to be: trusting in God always; falling in love with myself and this world; learning to slow down at times; and saying what I feel without need or expectation. This last one is harder than I thought. Why is it difficult to tell people how we feel without need or expectation of how they will respond? I'm not talking about spewing-off every detail I think about people. I'm speaking on the idea of being open about my feelings without needing a specific response. Once again I believe the ego has entered the room and this is where fear and the childish behavior of, I want what I want, come into play. Or even, I think I know what I want, and you haven't lived up to it and now I'm mad and hurt and I will make you pay by pushing you away so you know how it feels.
These are childish games we play. Look at relationships, there are books written on how to get the opposite sex to chase after you by being coy, or not calling for a certain amount of time, or acting disinterested. And the sad part is that these games work. I was at a night club on Saturday night when this nice gentleman came up to me and asked me to dance. Within minutes he was telling me that he was falling in love with my smile and that it was killing him. He stared at me as if I was the woman of his dreams with big, puppy, dog eyes. Sweet, good-looking, great dancer, but go away it's too over the top.
Many times the guy who wins my attention is the one who doesn't overwhelm me with his feelings. I've had men tell me they were certain I was the one after our first date and they were in love. That's when I head for the hills. But to be honest, insecurity creeps in when something happens between myself and someone I like. If the man isn't there wanting to see me again, in a non-stalker way, I'm hurt and upset wondering what he's thinking. Now said guy might email or text, but he's playing it cool, and instead of saying how I feel in an honest way, I play the game - I act as if I don't care.
How ridiculous are these games? What is the underlying cause? And further more, what damage does it create?
In a good book about relationships, the reader always knows the truth about how everyone feels but the characters are always clueless. As you're reading you're screaming at the hero to just be honest, the other person feels the same way, yet it takes till the end of the story after much anguish for anyone to figure out what's really going on. It's the same in life. Communicating what we feel without fear of rejection is scary. If this person rejects how we feel we will experience sadness, hurt, and a lessening of ourselves. I'm not just speaking about intimate relations, but friendships, and family as well.
So in writing this I've realized that to say what I feel without need or expectation is like jumping off a cliff and not knowing if you are going to land safely. All the fears of what could happen on the way down rush into my mind: rejection, hurt, and feeling stupid. I believe it goes back to childhood. Everyone at one time showed emotions and feelings with full honesty, but at some point another child made fun, or parents ridiculed, and a wall was built. The fear of rejection became bigger than our need to be honest with ourselves and the world.
So now the question becomes can I lift myself up out of the childhood-placed ego and stop worrying about what people will think of me? Going after this list and making it public, showing my weaker side to the world with this blog, is scary. It's fine when I'm in my office and I'm not thinking about who will read this, but when friends and family speak about what I've done or want to do, shyness makes me want to retreat my head into my turtle shell.
But I guess, just as with all my other dreams, fear will be by my side and I can either say that I want more from myself and this life, so therefor I will walk through my fear, or I can retreat. Retreating sounds easier, but not nearly as fun. But it also means I now need to go tell someone what I feel without need or expectation. Wish me luck.