Yesterday I flew to Boston to be with my family for the holidays. There's something about flying that's calming to me. Maybe it's the fact that I have to sit still for hours with no place to go so I don't feel guilty about watching movies or daydreaming.
During this flight, I finally found the space to take in all that has happened in the last few months. In a few days, I will meet my editor and agent in New York City. It's surreal that the moment I've dreamt about my whole life is actually coming true. My other business is growing and if all goes as planned it will give me the opportunity to make another one of my biggest dreams come true - to do a round the world trip.
Something else has happened in my life - my family has been put back together. Where once there was anger and heartache now there's love and for the first time in three years we'll celebrate Christmas together.
And then there's my miracle. This past October a dog attacked my cat Max. I've been desperately trying to nurse him back to life, but last week the vet said it was time to let him go. Max was still purring, head butting, and begging for treats. I couldn't bring myself to end his life. I cried for two days straight trying to prepare myself to let go of my constant companion of thirteen years. I took him off his meds and in a last ditch effort to make him comfortable I began to give him wheatgrass juice. His health immediately began to turn around: his energy level went up; he began to jump up on furniture; his weight increased and he became himself again. I have no idea how long this will last or if he'll make a full recovery, but as I left him in California with my house sitter he was more like the Max I knew before the attack.
As I sat on the plane taking in everything that has taken place I realized that there's still an underlying fear. Ah yes, the fear that remains a constant companion nagging in the back of my head. Will I be enough? Who am I to think I can be a bestselling author? What if the business doesn't succeed? What if my leaving Max causes so much stress he becomes ill again? I've realized that worrying about things that haven't happened is a trained bad habit. I've been doing it for so long that even though things are good I don't know how to fully believe it. But beneath the fear and worry is an emotion I'm not certain I've ever felt - contentment. I'm now standing on the brink of everything I desire and it's terrifying, exciting, and with it comes the doubt that I won't be enough but at least I'm standing here.
Three and a half years ago my life had fallen apart. I was empty and felt completely lost. My family was torn apart and I was alone. I made a list of dreams because I couldn't remember what happiness felt like. That list led me to this moment - surrounded by love, content with life, excited for everything I’m embarking upon, and feeling that life is more miraculous than I could've ever dreamt.
I know for many people the holiday season brings incredible stress: rushing to events and parties, shopping, family dynamics, and the malls filled with overplayed Christmas music. Then comes New Years where no matter how many times you try to ignore the New Year's resolution many times you face the fact that the plan you had for the year never came to fruition. In all the craziness, it's easy to become overwhelmed.
But if there's one gift you should give yourself this Christmas it's the time to stop and listen to all the chatter in your head. Then quiet your mind and for a moment dream of a life where you pursue everything you've ever desired and what it might feel like to accomplish your dreams. Then write down your dreams and promise yourself that in 2012 you will begin to one by one check them off the list.
I promise you it will change your life.