I've been missing someone lately and when I try to write, the words crash into a brick wall of feelings. I kick and push at the bricks wanting to force them down, but I just slam harder into my heart. When I began this journey I was single, but along the way I met an amazing person who kind of lit up my world. He knew how to make me laugh. He treated me like a princess. He planned amazing date nights down to the last detail. When I was scared or hurting, he'd wrap his arms around me and life felt right.
Going after this journey ripped us apart. The more I was gone, or talked about travel, the more his insecurities exploded. Many people have said that it's my fault - that I made him feel left out. People have commented that they couldn't handle being in a relationship with me due to how I live my life - that they would be jealous and insecure. One friend said, "Do you know how hard it is watching you achieve everything you desire while I live an ordinary life?"
I don't understand. If that's how people feel, envious and jealous, then why not make their own lists and go after them? I'm not a super-hero who has all the money in the world and no worries on how I'm going to make this happen. If I can do this anyone can.
The man I left has told me numerous times that he's proud of me for going after my dreams. He's trying to deal with the insecurities my life brought out in him and we've remained friends. But lately I've been feeling that I'm kind of poison to men. There have been plenty circling. I have been called the 'honey-pot', and "There's Something About Marci", along with other not so nice terms such as, 'man-eater'. It's been said that I have freaky pheromones that cause men to be insane. The truth - going after the life you want carries a distinct passion that people find attractive. Like moths to a flame. The problem seems to lie in when they get close to the light they want it to dim. And I want to get brighter.