For the last few days I've wanted to curl under my blankets and not come out. Exhaustion has hit me hard along with the blues. This is a hard thing to face. I have an amazing life. I get to wake up and go figure skating while being surrounded by people I admire and love. I get to come home and work on going after my dreams. I trade massages with my girlfriend every week. I go dancing and my life is filled with fun that sometimes there isn't time to rest.
Aah! There in itself is the problem. This journey of going after my dreams is intense. In the last two months I have bought a new car, taken a figure skating test (which is stressful as you perform in front of judges and a crowd), have traveled every few weeks, and have tried to learn about the internet and marketing. I'm awaiting news on a book deal which is a roller coaster ride of emotions.
Then I look at the last year. Today is the one year anniversary of my Achille's tendon surgery. The long, painful road to recovery was grueling, but since recovering I have made over ten of my dreams come true. There hasn't been much time to stop.
I once asked someone why they didn't go after their dreams and they responded, "It takes too much energy to go past the fear of failure or disappointment." I will attest that going after your dreams is really about walking through your fear, doubt, and the little voice that says, "Who are you to have this?".
Beyond the intensity has been a bigger problem. I'm a chronic giver. Someone needs something and before I can even let my brain think if this is something I can do I offer to give it to them, or to fix it for them. I want to make everyone's life easier and I will put myself last each and every time.
As I was riding my bike on Thanksgiving Day I was enjoying the trees, the beautiful river, the glorious sunny day, and then I started to fall apart. I began to realize how many people had dumped their problems on me in the last few months. I thought to myself, if one more person needs me I'm going to lose it. It was at this moment that I realized I was overwhelmed and tired. I needed a soft, safe place to land, but only had me to rely on.
A friend did help me that weekend, but it was to find the strength to tell another friend that I couldn't be there for her in the way she needed. Guilt hit me and took me to a bad place inside. I felt unworthy of all the greatness that had come to me. I felt selfish and horrible. It broke me apart inside.
A week later, I'm still coming to terms with the person who put herself first. It's not something I'm accustomed to doing. I've realized that giving the shirt off my back in the freezing cold to someone else just leaves me freezing.
I can only give what I can and nothing more. I'm not super-human. I don't have limitless energy unless I take the time to care for myself. Stopping is important even when I have to stop going after all that I desire if it means I'm pushing too hard.
So I know on this journey there will be times when I must stop. I know that I will have to walk away and say it's time for a break from pushing through fears and doubts. But am I really capable of stopping or putting myself first?
I guess I'll find out as I take this journey.