Today was tough. There was a moment this morning when I walked off the ice and said to myself, "You get one minute to break down and then you get back out there." I'd spent half an hour with my coach working on a new jump and I felt like I was progressing backwards. She said to me, "I don't want you to start believing that you're an adult skater so therefor you have to cheat this jump. I want you to go for it. Cross your damn feet and leave them there. Stop chickening out."
I pushed harder in my determination not to fail. The more I pushed the less I accomplished. It got to the point that I couldn't even do the simplest thing on the ice and my coach said, "You have about as much control over your body today as you do over that woman's body over there."
I sat on the bench in the lobby of the rink and let the frustration about everything come crushing down on me. Maybe I just want too much, I thought: If I stop pushing in skating and just enjoy all that I've accomplished; if I say that my dreams of going on a round the world trip can be made smaller and done someday instead of working to make it happen now; if I give up on my list and just enjoy what I already have; if I forget about becoming a published novelist then maybe things would be easier.
I felt the throbbing in my knee from the fall I had taken. Was it worth the bruises and the bumps to keep striving. And where the heck was this journey taking me anyway? I've worked my derriere off and still feel like so many things are beyond my reach. So why not give up? I have more than most. Just settle in and be.
But the problem is that I don't know how to stop actively pursuing my dreams. I don't know how to go forward, but I don't know how to quit either.
I walked back to the ice and stood staring at the arena. My coach called me over to the group class she was teaching. "You need to hear this," she said, "Sometimes in skating you just have to allow it to happen. You can't force it, or control it. You can't make it happen. You have to let go and allow the forces of nature to carry you. If you tighten up from fear you will stay in the exact same place you've always been and never move forward. You have to take the falls, the pain, the bruises, and then get back up and do it again. Falling is part of winning and if you aren't willing to let go and allow yourself to make mistakes you're done before you've even started."
I knew she was right. Not only about skating but about life. I'm so tensed up with fear that I'm trying to force and control everything and I can't let go and allow. I have this trust in a higher power or so I thought, but then I think there has to be more I need to do. I can't let go because then it will never happen. I have to visualize, plan, control, because I want it now. So much for the serenity of the last post, but hey, I'm human.
I know I have to let go. I know I have to allow. I know that I will fall and that ultimately it will lead me to all that I desire. But the question I have is how? I don't have the answer yet. I don't know when I will. But today I'm determined to find a way. I think it's a day where chocolate is necessary.