Today I received an email from the man who sold me my car. He said, "I dedicate this day trip to you (first ride on a motorcycle), without your inspiration it would have never happened. Keep up the good work and good luck with your adventures." I'm honored that he sent this and that he dedicated his first ride to me. As you know, if you've been reading this blog, last week I was ready to quit. After much soul searching, hours of meditation, and support from readers and those I love, I've realized many things.
The first being that I'm caught between staying where I am and forging forward to where I want to go. When I began this journey I had nothing: no stable home, no relationship, barely any friends, and no life to speak of. I was hurt, broken, and sad. Without anything to lose it was easy to go forward. In the months that followed I learned to salsa dance, went to Alaska, bought a home, met wonderful friends, fell in love, and created the life I'd always wanted. As I've been moving forward with the website and pursuing my dreams, in the back of my head I've been saying, "I want to go back to those first months after I created the list - that time felt good and safe."
I can't move ahead while I'm looking back. I've realized I have to make a choice. To move forward right now means taking tremendous risk. I don't have to do this. I can stay where I am: spend time with my friends, dance, get a part time job, live in my home, skate, be in love, and take a few trips a year. It doesn't mean I have to stop pursuing my dreams, it just means that I won't be striving to do them right now or taking the time to do the website.
Staying where I am, letting the website go, and relaxing has looked appealing. But this morning, while I was skating I realized this can't be my decision.
I'm a decent skater. I've achieved a level I never thought possible when I began the journey of making my childhood dream come true. I could stay at the level I've accomplished, win a few competitions, and just enjoy being on the ice each day. But I choose to push for more. Each day I strive to go faster, to push past my fears of getting hurt in order to skate at a higher level. I will fall many times. I will be exhausted, but with each goal I accomplish I feel pure joy. Today I saw how much I've improved in a few months by forging ahead.
Life isn't meant to be stagnant. As I've created this fight within my mind I've realized how tight I'm trying to hold to the past, but the past isn't opening its doors in the same way. I keep getting sick, friends have moved away, and honestly what once made me happy now feels redundant. When I began this journey I had nothing to lose and from that came a life I'd always wanted. Now, I have everything to lose. The stakes are higher, but I have even more to gain. I want the higher level. I want this journey to inspire others, like the man who went on his first motorcycle ride.
So I'm raising my glass to forging ahead and not looking back. My house is on the market, I've created a t-shirt store on the website in order to create revenue, and I'm going to Europe in a few weeks. I've done everything I can and now I'm opening up to the universe to say, "I let go and I have the courage to move forward."