Thank you to everyone who has written to me about my last post - you know the one where I wanted to quit. The feeling hasn't passed yet, but I'm working on it. I still have the flu (my sixth round with it this season), and the consensus of my doctor and friends is that I need to rest in order to get healthy. Ah, yes rest. I'm sure down the road there will be time for this, but at the moment there isn't. I've decided to put my house on the market and I've spent the last two nights painting only to have to start over again. Valspur paint stinks. It streaked and didn't dry evenly so my bathroom walls look horrible. I don't mind hard work. I cherish it. Pushing for something I want excites me and the rewards mean more when I've accomplished what I set out to do. What kicks my spirit down is when I work this hard and push to the max only to have to start over again. Today it's the painting the other day it was my life.
I told my mom how much I wanted to quit. I explained how tired and stressed I've been lately and that I don't feel I have the strength to keep going. I talked with her about returning to an easier life. My mother has watched me push since I was a kid. Fear has held her hostage as I traveled solo throughout the world and participated in crazy sports. I know she wants grandchildren and to see me married and settled-down. Her heart longs for me to move back to Boston. Last night she had one response, "Don't settle. You won't be happy."
When I hung up I thought about Eckhart Tolle's words in A New Earth, "This too shall pass." This feeling I'm experiencing is only temporary. This is the moment where it would be easy to quit. It's when most people do back down. I have no idea if I can do this. I feel like I'm at the mercy of the Gods, but I'm going to give it everything I have. Which today means standing up in this sick body, painting, planning my trip, cleaning my house, creating the t-shirts that will be sold for charity on the website, and a million other things that need to get done. Wish me luck.